Q: If you were out hunting and you came upon a rattlesnake, a
black widow
spider, and an attorney, and you only had 2 bulletts left, what would you
do?
A: Shoot the attorney twice
Q: Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their
latest Stamps?
A: They had pictures of lawyers on them and people couldn't figure out which side to
spit on.
Q: What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A: A tick falls off of you when you die.
Q: Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and
their clients?
A: To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.
Q: What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their
neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the
road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Q: What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A: A Doberman.
Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be
recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.
Q: What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
A: One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!
Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.
Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.
Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A: A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
Lawyer's creed: "A man is innocent until
proven broke".
Q: Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old
drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar
bill. Who gets it?
A: The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.
A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates. "£50.00
for three questions", replied the lawyer. "Isn't that awfully steep?" asked
the man.
"Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"
Q: Do you know what happens when a lawyer takes Viagra?
A: He gets taller.
The devil came to a young lawyer and said, "I'll make you a
partner in your firm if you give me your soul, your wife's soul, and the souls of each of
your three kids, and you agree to sell every one of your clients down the river."
"Okay", said the lawyer, "but what's the catch?"
As Mr. Smith was on his deathbed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to
take at least some of his considerable wealth with him. He called for the three men he
trusted most - his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman. He told them, "I'm going to
give you each £30,000 in cash before I die. At my funeral, I want you to place the money
in my coffin so that I can try to take it with me."
All three agreed to do this and were given the money. At the funeral, each approached the
coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside. While riding in the limousine to the
cemetery, the clergyman said "I have to confess something to you fellows. Brother
Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this.
The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took £10,000 of the money he gave me
and bought one. I only put £20,000 in the coffin." The physician then said,
"Well, since we're confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I didn't
put the full £30,000 in the coffin either.
Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine,
but the machine cost £20,000 and I couldn't afford it then. I used £20,000 of the money
to buy the machine so that I might be able to save another patient. I know that Smith
would have wanted me to do that." The lawyer then said, "I'm ashamed of both of
you. When I put my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal check for the full
£30,000."
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